Call Me Crazy: A Rant on the Absurdity of Calling a Mother Over-Qualified

So there's a phrase I've heard many times now from good-intentioned women, whom I believe were trying to prevent me from accumulating a fortune in student loans or to lower my stress level or to simply encourage me to devote time to my family. While the intentions of these women may have been good...I gotta say...the phrase just bothers me. Really bothers me. The phrase?..."Don't over-qualify yourself to raise your children." Okay...what?

Now that I have children, I don't believe this is possible. How could I OVER-qualify myself for such an important job? Mothering is a time demanding, highly rewarding job. It calls for a vast set of skills, and it is a charge with eternal significance.

The point behind the "don't over-qualify yourself..." statement would often be something along the lines of "Why spend 200,000 dollars on a law degree and fill your head with all sorts of legal knowledge, if you are going to stay at home with your kids and not practice law?" I'll tell you why, or at least why according to this mom: We all have interests, passions, and strengths which can create in us a desire to master certain subjects and areas, and to pursue these interests, passions, and strengths can be a wonderful thing. Some women may want to learn to play Bach Inventions flawlessly on the piano. Some may want to become a licensed therapist. Some may want to attend night school to earn their high school diploma. Others might want to work hours in the kitchen to develop the best sweet potato pie recipe in town. And whether or not these women choose to use these accomplishments in the work force now, never, or later...guess what?...the skills and experiences gained through the process of achieving these goals can certainly help qualify one in a unique way for motherhood.

Many times I have heard people comment on the waste of money a Masters Degree is for a stay-at-home mom. This just gets under my skin. Waste? Really? Even if I never teach, instruct, or facilitate another class in my life, I can say with confidence that I will use my MFA as a mother. Maybe my kids will be encouraged by my experience to dedicate themselves to their education. I'll be better prepared to help with their literary education and hopefully help them to develop a love of books. Or maybe the life lessons I learned while working late hours on my school work will help me to better manage my time and follow through with other commitments. The process of borrowing and repaying student loans will help me to responsibly manage my family's finances. And I cannot tell you how many times the random knowledge I have from college courses like "The History of Fashion" come up in conversations and provide answers to questions from family members like "When is this movie set?"...ha...like I said, random. I could go on and on and on and on about the benefits I see in my life and the lives of mothers around me, who use what they know or what they have done to fulfill the role of mother in one way or another. And I'm sure most mothers could go on and on and on with their own examples, too. Whether a mom has a high school diploma or a doctorate, and whether she completed an apprenticeship with a woodworker or has a certificate for yoga instruction, I'll bet you she is not "over" qualified as a mother.

And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself here, but it seems to me that children can benefit from highly educated, well-disciplined, or uniquely talented moms. Call me crazy. Just don't call me over-qualified.

The Power of Words

I have been in love with words since I was a little girl. The way they can be moved around and placed together to form a beautiful or clever or meaningful statement has fascinated me from the time I first began filling up journals in elementary school. I remember sitting in my Kindergarten class stressing over a basic test because I saw that the words we were being tested on had many different meanings, and so it was really an impossible task to only circle one picture for each word the teacher read aloud. I could make up a story in which each word could fit every single picture my teacher put in front of me. The way words fall on my ears is important to me, and the way they look on paper is something that can drive me a tad bit insane. Now not only am I a lover of the written word, but I am also a Bible reading gal, which let me tell you, brings me to a whole new level of word obsession. There are only so many "red letters" in my Bible, and so it is only good and natural that I really take time to ponder how they were placed together, and not just in my language, but in the original language they were written in. I mean, would I only study Shakespeare in Spanish or German, when I could look up the original words of the writer? Okay, so there you go...I obsess over words. I think about words a lot, and I do not think they are things to just throw around in a casual way as we go through our day. Sometimes, most of the time really, people should think about what they are saying, hearing, writing, and reading. But, alas, this is such a strange concept for us in this texting while watching television age.

Now, I am actually ranting about words for a reason here. I happen to think that children are wonderful gifts. There really is not a sweeter gift to be entrusted with here. Sure, being a parent can be stressful, but that's just part of the "saltiness" of the deal (see my first May blog post for clarification on "saltiness"), and stress does not take away one itty bitty ounce of the special blessing a child is. So, why oh why oh why, do people in the grocery store or at the park or a gas station or wherever tend to comment on how crazy a mother is for having another child? "You're expecting another? Have you lost your mind?" "Another girl," they will say, "Well, you are gonna have your hands full." "You'll have three teenagers all at once? I don't envy you!" "Just wait until those little girls grow up and the boys start calling and coming around and wait until they don't want to listen to you." And then the stranger in the pasta aisle will say, "Enjoy the time you have with them now because they won't want anything to do with you when they're 16."



In what world are these statements appropriate to make to a woman in the grocery store you do not even know? And in what world is this the best choice of words for even your closest friend? I mean, I know that parenthood will grow into a more and more challenging role for me, but come on, people. I also know that I hope and pray and expect the best out of not only my children, but also myself. I know that what I want to be for my family is realistic, yes, but also optimistic. I want to expect great things for my children, and not to have my little girls hear from the mouths of strangers over and over again just how difficult they are going to make my life. Because then they just might grow up to be difficult, and they just might learn to hate themselves a little for believing themselves to be nothing more than a nuisance to the people around them. Why not be what is expected of them? Of course teenagers have a tough time and so do their parents...I mean, look at this broken world they are trying to grow into. But calling out toddlers and babies still in the womb for being stressers and trouble makers and nothing beyond curfew breakers and bathroom hogs? Seriously, adults in the world, stop pointing your fingers at my tummy and name calling and complaining about the life you and your own situation created for yourself.



So the next time I see a pregnant woman at the grocery store, I will not say, "Oh, honey, what are you thinking bringing a child into this world?" I will say to her, "Oh, congratulations!" or "This is such an exciting time for you!" Or you know, I might even pray for her unborn baby...pray that he or she will grow up to be a light in this world, rather than just another wailing infant who will grow into a wailing teenager.

Don't get me wrong...sometimes mommies need to take a breath and laugh and cry about the chaos that is often their lives, but I think I will also spend my time surrounding myself and my husband and my children with words to encourage us and strengthen us, because as I am so often reminded by frank, tummy-touching strangers in the check-out line, we're going to need all the strength and encouragement we can get.



If this post seems a little meaningless to you, then think about the words from your past. I bet you can remember some of the moments in which you heard the kindest and also the coldest words about you in your life. And these words probably shaped you in some way. Maybe they helped you love something about yourself, or hate something about your family, or maybe they convinced you of something about your life. Words often have real power behind them.